one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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