Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
