you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
