I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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