I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
