apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Bring me that man meat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
