Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
