I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
