mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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