So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
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And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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