Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
