Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
