If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
