last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
