don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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