I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
