i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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