its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
