running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
