Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
