Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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