this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here