I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.