His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
