i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
