So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
