Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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