If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
