I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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