so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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