I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
