Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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