I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
