Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
