tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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