i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
