You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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