i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
