Too much gin, very little bucket
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
