Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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