i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
