So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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