hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
