it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
