.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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