i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
