my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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