I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
