I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.