i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect