She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
