goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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