Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
