i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
