i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
