Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
