Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
